Hello! Hope you are doing well, wherever you are right now.
I am currently hunched over this computer getting kinda overstimulated with how the keys feel on my fingers, but otherwise I am doing ok! Thanks for asking.
I've been thinking about the past recently (to be honest, I always am). It's about to be a year since my suicide attempt and not going to lie, it still is kinda surreal. Not in a "I wish I were dead" way, but like, "I can't believe there's a life after this" thing. I've been trying my best to move around in this post-coidal esq haze I am in still, and it's been very hard to deal with the consequences (at least I can deal with them though!). Sometimes I feel that guilt and shame are crushing the absolute shit out of the putty that is my body, leaving behind a smear of. Whatever you find gross and unpleasant. Somedays I even hate the support I have around me, too. Don't ask me why, I am still trying to figure that one out. I am still going through old journals and notes from when I was working and seeing if I can repurpose this trauma into a neat 4 panel comic. So far, there's nothing that I want to touch right now. Which really hurts because artwork is usually how I make sense of the world and all of it's terribleness. Until then, I'll tie you over with some old zines here for you to read. I hope you like them.
However it's not all bad! I am now more honest (well as honest I can be) with the people in my life. Most importantly, I am becoming honest with myself. I am the product of all of my decisions and I hate accountability as much as the next young adult. Now I have something tangible to work with: myself. I don't trust me yet, but I am starting to like me a bit.
Coding has been helping in a way art can't right now. I have no stakes in being 'good' at this, I just can fuck around with margins and shit.
Anyways, thanks for checking up on me.
Best,
Chapel
← Back to the blog